Feb 032015
 

Whisky & Moose – The Untold Story, Tasting Panel Spotlight, Vignette #Deux, Le Bullwinkle J. Moose

***** WARNING VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED *****

May contain segments that metrosexual drinkers or Industry shills find offensive. Intended for a malt audience only.

 

In Spotlight ………….Bullwinkle J. Moose, AKA Moose Knuckles, was a sixties animal heartthrob who rose to stardom in “The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show”. This juvenile moose star was grazing high when he had a run-in with his rum swigging, flying squirrel partner over an actress named Natasha. This falling out, combined with the discovery that his folks had hoofed him out of the majority of his trust fund, followed by the accidental release of a mating tape, aided in his addiction to eating cannabis by the bale. Ill-equipped to act with sufficient tact forced this once majestic moose into a downward rush.

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Bullwinkle, however, did manage to play a few small parts in some low budget adult animation movies. He played the oldest child in the short lived TV sitcom “Family Pains” starring Gary Busey as a calm, stay at home dad, dealing with a blended two / four legged family.  He also appeared in one episode of the new reality show called “Wildlife Scared Dead”, hosted by the former, off his rocker, Teddy Nugent. For a while, Bullwinkle performed with the mechanical stuffed tribute band “Chuck E. Cheese and The Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat”, that is, until the incident.

Living in a fish eye lens, caught in the camera’s eye, in May 2006 Bullwinkle married longtime girlfriend Kourtney Love.  Sadly, she filed for divorce a day later, citing animal cruelty. She arranged with wildlife officers to have him corralled, an order he violated twice and was impounded.

Rock bottom finally occurred when in 2008, Bullwinkle was sentenced to three years’ probation. Shortly thereafter, he was arrested at home for possession of pot, during which he threw a bong out the window of his 36th floor apartment resulting in additional charges of tampering with evidence and reckless endangerment to humans.

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After a long stint in an animal shelter, Bullwinkle reached out to Bobby Barker the famous Animal Rights Activist and Abused Model Advocate, who directed him to the Wee Moose Sanctuary & Hunting Lodge, a subsidiary of DHARMA, which is located in the shadow of the Alberta Rockies

Now back on his hoofs, and producing more than 200 Louis Vuitton wallets a day, Bullwinkle has agreed to a Tweet-style interview with Maltmonster, in 280 words.  That’s 100 % more of an interview than The Bourbon Advocate Magazine.

Q- What’s the view from your office window?

–  Chicken Wire and Moose shit.

Q- Where are you from originally?

– Frostbite Falls, Minnesota

Q- Do you have any formal education / training?

– I have a Mooster’s Degree from Wossamotta U and studied method acting at the Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute with the likes of Roberto De Niro.

Q- What would be your desert island dram?

–  I tell you it wouldn’t be grain whisky. I would have to go with a single malt from Glenfiddich. I just think that any distillery with a big rack on their label can’t be all bad, and oh ya, Fettercairn has that unicorn thing, that kind of turns me on to.

Q- Biggest Mistake?

–  Letting that no talent squirrel share the limelight with me.

Q- Hobbies?

–  Squirrel hunting.

Q- Biggest problem in whisky today?

– The Finish is starting to become tiresome, I mean really what next, a quadruple wood  finished Dalmore,  twelve months in a cedar hot tub , nine months in a used oak half cask flower pot, six months in a treated spruce shipping crate and finally three months in an pine framed waterbed owned by dirty hippies. I can hear Dalmore now……………. “Yes we charge more, but we only use the highest quality used oak half cask flower pots”.

– Trying to figure out who’s who in the zoo. Another disturbing trend is overnight self-proclaimed experts that blog & tweet, posing as consumers and are nothing more than shills for the Industry.

– Brand premiumisation, or posers herpes is infecting the industry. First Macallan, Dalmore and Glenmorangie now Mortlach, rumor has it Edradour is next.

Q – What do you like about whisky right now?

– I like the fact that consumers are challenging producers over the NAS, whether through boycotting, selective purchasing or posing questions to brand ambassadors.

Q – Favorite excerpt?

–  “And the men who hold high places must be the ones who start”

Q- Do you know the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything?

–  Yes, yes I do, it’s …………………………

Sorry end of interview at 280 words.

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Please stayed tuned for the next instalment of the Tasting Panel Spotlight, Vignette #Trois, A Moose named Hope, who was the former Edmonton Oilers team mascot. Hope talks about the winey glory years and dark years after being thrown under the team bus, leaving the team Hopeless.

The Wee Moose Sanctuary & Hunting Lodge, a subsidiary of DHARMA, again thank you for your support and ask if you could please be on the lookout for are missing Moose comrade, RT, last seen being man/women handled by two cultist, who call themselves the Founders. These Founders lead a cult whisky following called the Canadian sect of the SMWS and have been known to recruit new members through the use of strong alcohol and chanting.

 

Your humble drudge & shepherd,

Maltmonster

 Posted by at 9:07 pm

  12 Responses to “Whisky & Moose – The Untold Story, Tasting Panel Spotlight, Vignette #Deux, Le Bullwinkle J. Moose”

  1. Thanks for this – I really wanted to see more of it. Utterly brilliant!

    Sláinte!

  2. Maltmonster, you really need to get a job. Perhaps your should apply to Bourbon Advocate.

    • You are wise as you are on time.

      Yes, I’m looking for a job right now. Working a new reality show called Corporate Drink Rescue, where I offer my professional expertise to large whisky corporations who continually make poor decisions.

      • I think David has a job opening…drinking his Scotch, since he doesn’t seem to be doing it… Doesn’t pay well but there are good benefits.

        • Yes, that would certainly allow me to get through more bottles and taste more different expressions without worrying what will happen to the remaining spirit in the bottle

          • Please don’t call me Maltmonster, much to formal, instead call me The Cable Guy. I hate to talk money, but what’s the going rate for Irish assisted bottle euthanizing these days?

          • Sadly, I have no Irish whiskey. If it’s an Irish person euthanizing the bottle (regardless of the origin of the bottle), I have to admit that I am not in favour of assisted death.

            If you can provide compassionate palliative bottle care, then we can talk.

      • “Undercover Irish”? Where you sit in a back room overseeing everything via surveillance, then call ’em in one at a time to lambaste ’em for their digressions? Dress it up however you like, Maltmonster, it’s still just voyeurism.

        • Voyeurism, no more like Whiskyeurism. That’s where one with a higher tolerance for the strong drink gets to judge ones with a lesser ability. If it’s about what happen this weekend, as my friend, my silent is guaranteed, provided you make it worth my while.

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