Feb 022014
 

Whisky Harmoany: Putting Drinkers and Whisky together since 2014

After attending countless whisky tastings and talking with many well-oiled festival attendees, Maltmonster has come to believe that there must be a way to match a style of whisky with a consumer.  He knew, from his vast drinking experience, that some whiskies were ending up in spit buckets, plant pots or poured down the drain, but that many others were enjoyed and found satisfying to the consumer.

Maltmonster thought… “What if I could define the traits most likely to lead to relationship success?  Could certain characteristics predict compatibility and lead to a satisfying relationship?”

Maltmonster set out to test this theory by identifying the characteristics in each whisky that would lead to a successful relationship with a particular type of consumer. After many hours of research and development, Maltmonster successfully identified the key character traits that predicted compatibility and the potential for a rewarding relationship with a whisky.

 

If you have two or more of following interest/traits:

– Sports: Australian Rules football, Lacrosse and mixed martial arts

– Music: Black Sabbath, Clutch and Violent Femmes

– Entertainment: Watching any movie directed by David Cronenberg, watching reruns of the prison TV series OZ and watching YouTube videos of Don’t Try This at Home

– Hobbies: Manufacturing pipe bombs, online gambling and online Porn

And … You regularly park in Handicap stalls; You have friends with two part names ending with Bob; Have numerous tattoos (which may include your favorite distillery); Whips & chains excite you; You have a hard time holding down a full time job; Have been diagnosed with some type of disorder; May suffer from Tourette’s … You are likely to enjoy any of the following whiskies: Ardbeg 10/ Lagavulin 12/ Laphroaig ¼ Cask/ any Bruichladdich PC or Octomore

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If you have two or more of following interests/traits:

– Sports: Hockey, Baseball, Basketball and Real football (non-soccer)

– Music: Flogging Molly, Johnny Cash and Van Morrison

– Entertainment: Watching any Bill Murray movie, watching reruns of the TV series Californication and reading the Classics.

– Hobbies: Drinking good whisky, charity work and smoking good cigars

And … You exercise regularly; Generally like and get along with other people; Think St. Patrick’s Day should be a national holiday; Are not afraid of hard work … You are likely to enjoy any of the following whiskies: Benriach 25 & annual releases/ Glendronach Cask Strength & annual releases/ Talisker 18/ Glenfarclas 21 – 40 YO

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If you have two or more of following interests/traits:

– Sports: Polo, Yachting, and Tennis

– Music: Flock of Sea Gulls, Bay City Rollers and Backstreet Boys

– Entertainment: Watching any Woody Allen movie, watching reruns of the TV series Housewives of Beverly Hills and reading Esquire

– Hobbies: Cooking with Truffles, Shopping for Designer Jeans and Watch Collecting.

And … You’ve had a silver spoon surgically installed in your anus at birth; You didn’t know you had a mother until your Nanny introduced you at age ten; You’ve a least one friend whose name is either Chauncey or Reginald; You are a member of numerous private clubs; Have been in therapy most of your life; Are a staunch advocate for the opera … You are likely to enjoy any of the following whiskies: Dalmore Constellation/ Glenmorangie Pride/ Macallan M/ Glenfiddich 50

 

(***Results are accurate to plus or minus 90% with a 10% margin of error. Only 5% of the focus group was coherent enough to answer questions after sample testing. Clinical Trials with Bourbon Placebos were stopped after serious Hillbilly side effects were observed. No animals were harmed as result of testing except for the chickens that were barbequed.)

 

What professional people are saying about Whisky Harmoany…

“Getting pissed has never been easier, before I used the Whisky Harmoany system I would always spit, now that I’ve been following the Harmoany way, I’m more relaxed and swallow.”

– Amber Macallan, Professional Stripper

 

“Following J. Murrey’s recommendations I could never finish any of my whiskies. After Glenmorangie Ealanta and Ballantine’s 17 I almost gave up whiskey completely but being Irish, this was not an option. Thank you Whiskey Harmoany, you’ve made being Irish fun again!”

– Colin Farewell, Professional Actor

 

“My choices in whisky have always been a little helter skelter. Since I have been following the Harmoany way, I’ve become a true believer. If I ever get out of prison I’m going to look you up. Thanks.”

– Charlie Manson, Professional Criminal

 

“The up side of being a whisky writer is I get to drink a lot and nobody asks or expects me to pay. The downside of whisky writing are the legions of needy whisky nerds who are constantly fact checking me, along with the crushing deadline of one article a month. Real science like that at Whisky Harmoany may or may not help me. Since I mentioned your name, please pass on my endorsement fee.”

– I. Burton, Professional Writer

 

Whisky Harmoany will be available this fall for your iPhone 5S.

Coming next year …………..Whisky Rosetta Stone; for translating professionally written whisky tasting notes into English.

 

Your Humble Drudge & Social Whisky Scientist,

 – Maltmonster

 

 Posted by at 5:15 pm

  9 Responses to “Whisky Harmoany: Putting Drinkers and Whisky together since 2014”

  1. Am I a slut if I fit into each of these categories?

  2. Hmm….seams pretty accurate and obviously based on scientific research. Although not a basketball or Californication fan I do have a rep of hitting every stop and rob (aka liquor store) I pass looking for Glendronach Single Casks! Going to have to try some Glenfarclas to validate 🙂

  3. I worry for Malt Monster’s sanity. His creativity borders on manic and his pathological Irish-inferiority complex tarnishes his work! Would like to see more David v. Goliath posts.

    • Dear Scotchguy, your personal data was inputted into our HAL 9000 Skynet Matrix Supercomputer. The following high probability matches were noted; Courvoisier Napoleon Cognac, Limoncello and for mixed drinks, champagne coolies .No matches for whisky were found.

      • Would you say it is a safe bet that CSEC is tracking your movements using airport wifi?

        • Whisky Harmoany, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Umbrella Corporation, has taken notice of your lack of stones. Please contact Whisky Harmoany to receive your free gift of two cube shaped whisky stones, engraved with the words; “act like you have a pair” so that you may chill your Cognac to the perfect temperature, without diluting.

          • What was it you said about Collin Farrel at the BenRiach tasting. “You’d switch teams for him?” Care to elabourate?

          • What I said was “If You Are Lucky Enough To Be Irish, Then You Are Lucky Enough”

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